Until I was nine, we lived with my grandparents and my grandfather remained my father figure. As an adult, I came to understand that this unusual situation had given me an unusual experience of men.
In my eyes, a man had my grandfather’s qualities, namely patience and devotion. Since it takes a long time for boys to acquire those qualities, I had little interest in boys. I liked men. As you might have guessed, I found myself attracted to older men. To most people, there was no other explanation; if I was not a gold digger, I had daddy issues. As a result, my social life was complicated. Men accepted my choices, to them it was natural. But women viewed me with suspicion and too often contempt.
As the years passed, I learned that grandfathers make much better parents than fathers. Young men have so little experience, they tend to mistake submission for respect. As a result, they seek obedience in their children. While an obedient child makes young fathers feel respected, they do not stop to ask how obedience might feel to the child. Unfortunately, obedience feels oppressive, disrespectful, and cruel. Instead of building children up, submitting to obedience tears children, especially sons, down - and breeds resentment, anger, and a powerful neediness, that boys cannot explain or understand. That boys grow up hell bent on earning respect is the sad result.
Grandfathers do not make young men’s mistakes. Grandfathers build children from the ground up and along the way, they acquire their devotion. Devotion is far more powerful than respect. Devotion is flexible, enduring, and always earned. Respect is brittle, circumstantial, temporary, and demanded (not earned). Devotion gives rise to loyalty, commitment, dedication, and deep emotional and psychological attachments. Respect builds pedestals from which a fall offers no repair – the disappointment is too severe. Devotion easily weathers the tests of time and human error. Once respect is lost, it is gone forever.
In the best of all worlds, fathers build sons into men, then build men into fathers. When you meet a man close to his father, you will find devotion. When you meet a man distanced from his father, you will find the residue of respect.
PS. David, apparently, you hit more than one nerve with this piece. :)
