Mr. Colby, I'm glad I kept reading the comments. If I hadn't I would have missed yours.
That so-called “marriage contract" chained us to social constructs and dictates, not another person. To sell the social contract, it was marketed under the brand “marriage contract.” We thought marriage was a private matter, between two people, but we were wrong. A “marriage contract” was in fact, a contract with society. A contract that bound us to the “traditional family unit” as defined by, policed by and enforced by society.
Unfortunately, the “marriage contract” turned our children into pawns that the courts and society used to keep us in chains. If we did not agree to this contract, or tried to break it, society withheld its benefits. Society withheld salaries, healthcare, education, housing, etc. from women, withheld children from their fathers and turned our children into “examples of what happens to people who break the “social contract.”
The consequences of refusing, or breaking, the “social-marriage contract” was so severe, very few of us recovered.
To Jessica’s point, part of that “marriage contract” was society’s promise to keep our children chained to us – forever. Thanks to the “marriage contract” we could count on our children to obey us while growing up, and follow the paths we chose for them, then take care of us in old age.
As parents we felt so entitled, the idea that we had to earn our children’s respect and take care of their love never crossed our minds. Worse yet, we expected our children to forgive and forget our bad behaviour, selfishness, even cruelty. As a result, we had no reason to improve ourselves, overcome our failings, even apologize, let alone make amends for our mistakes.
Today, our grown children, like Jessica, are reminding us that we signed that “marriage contract” - not them. Discovering that society’s “marriage contract” could not chain our children to us comes as a shock. We cannot bear to remember our selfish, self-centered, self-righteous, entitled behaviour and so we want our children to forget it all and fulfill their part of our “marriage contracts” – to love, respect and take care of us in old age.
I rejected the entire “marriage contract” garbage a long time ago. Decades of experience taught me, that crossing society is never easy and the going gets mighty rough, but it is worth it.
I do not like it, it hurts my feelings, and embarrasses, even humiliates me, but I refuse to let my children coddle me, by pretending everything I did and said was fine and good when they were growing up, when I know it was not.
For the last week, I’ve been on the outs with both my children. I needed time to think and so I came home. I pounded the keyboard, talking to my journal and 23 pages later, finally found what I was after. I have to stop doing that shit to my kids, but that’s gonna take a lot of work and I’m going to need some practice.
It would be so much easier to say, I’m too old to change and keep on hurting my children, but I’ve never done that before, and I’m not going to start now. Besides I am hugely motivated by the fact, that my favorite people in the world, happen to be my children. I like, respect, and admire them more than anyone I’ve ever known. They are also a lot of fun to be around. I figure I must have done something right. Now I have to work my way out of the ouches I thoughtlessly inflict on them.
