Many, many years ago, someone told me that relationships are like streets. Just like street signs, people use words and signs to tell you it’s time to yield, slow down, stop, go, change lanes or do not enter. When a driver fails to obey these signs, there is a good chance that someone will get hurt, maimed, or killed – and that someone, just might be you.
We’ve all seen someone who sees a yellow light, and shoves the gas pedal harder, instead of hitting the brakes. We’ve all seen the driver at the same intersection who sees the other guy’s yellow light and hits his gas pedal, instead of waiting for his own green light. Crash! Boom! Bang! both drivers collide in the middle of the intersection – and both drivers insist it was the other guy’s fault.
Children know how to read human signs, long before they learn to read. But no one can understand people who do not obey signs.
The only way to cope with abusive drivers, is to stay as far away from them as you possibly can. When I see an abusive driver on the road, I slow down and keep my distance. I do not try to get in front of them, box them in, flip them off, or otherwise antagonize them. I don’t even risk the safety of the road, by trying to dial 911 while I’m driving.
Children are passengers in their parents’ car. If a parent does not stop the car, their child cannot stop it for them. The little passenger is strapped in the back seat, helplessly watching their parents run stop signs, red lights, speed, and risk their lives. If the parent gets caught, the child watches as their parent lies to the police – the same way the parent lies to everyone about their child’s bruises and broken bones.
Crying is a cathartic emotion; nature’s way of cleansing tension from our system, and calming us down, so that we can think clearly again. Life in the car of an abusive parent is never safe, and crying will only weaken you. To survive an abuser’s car, you need to remain strong enough to run the second you can safely exit that car. To preserve their strength, the children of abusers learn to wait – and never cry.
While I always say, I save my tears for beauty, it is also an admission. Freedom, especially the freedom to love and be loved, is only possible in safety. Love, fulfillment, satisfaction and contentment can only come to us in safety. Like you, I too have known abuse, and when I cry it is an expression of the joy that freedom brings me.
Inside the mind, safety depends entirely on us. If I feel even slightly tempted, or doubt my own willpower is enough to stay away from abusive people, my mind will continue to protect me by keeping my memories of abuse alive – at the forefront of my mind.
Crying tells me that I am safe, and when I am safe, I am free.
PS, clearly, your words resonated with me.
