Laura, I have no idea how old you are, but you are describing some of the manifestations of menopause. In my family, it begins in our early fifties. The changes happen rapidly for us, just about six months. If I had not heard our women discuss it, the suddenness and intensity would have frightened me. Alas, menopause was discussed so openly and bluntly, I knew what was happening the minute it started.
Nonetheless, menopause is demanding. My mood was as unpredictable as the hot flashes, insomnia, confusions, bursts of energy, irritability, and exhaustion. Luckily, the other side of menopause is well worth the transitional discomforts.
I theorize that maintaining our body’s readiness for bearing and raising children is taxing (anxiety, cautiousness, timidity, concern, watchfulness, etc). Once the body surrenders its reproductive capacity, these concerns fall away and the realization that you are now responsible for just one person – yourself – fills the void. However, this is not selfishness by any means or measure. Instead of depending on you for sustenance and physical strength, our loved ones now depend on us for mental, emotional, and spiritual strength and guidance (wisdom).
Just like my grandmothers before me, when menopause ended, my mind had turned towards the spiritual, the inexplicable, and the unexplored aspects of life. I still marvel at the difference between before and after. While I do not meditate, I spend days alone in silence and my mind wanders freely anywhere it pleases. Instead of directing my mind, I now follow it. There is a whole lot of experience stored inside my mind, that I never truly saw, heard, felt, or touched, let alone understood.
Two days ago, my flock of little birds arrived on their way south. I sat on the back porch in 22-degree cold to listen to their songs. For a long while, they filled my mind completely. While I had always heard the birds, I could not afford the luxury of sitting still and enjoying their song before. Only recently, did I realize that their arrival had always told me it was time to prepare for winter – not the calendar. While I was busy navigating human-kind, my mind had kept in touch with nature.
These days, I liken myself to the way my mind was as a child, before human-kind took hold of it and put it to work. Our bodies and our minds know things we cannot know. Whenever you do reach that age, I hope you surrender and trust your mind to show you what you missed along the way. :)
