I’ve been an activist for 50 years and I am telling you to sit this one out.

You are correct. Like every parent, you need to get your thinking straight before this child arrives. Children are not theories, so be practical. Of course, this old mother has a seed to plant.

“No” will soon become one of the most powerful tools you possess. So use it sparingly and with conviction. But most importantly, use it well. No must mean no, every time — no exceptions. So think before you say no. No should never, ever be said on a whim, in a lazy moment, or a tired one.

This little piece of advice was the best parenting advice anyone ever gave me. It made me a thinking parent. If your toddler wants to play drums with your wooden spoon and pots and pans today, you must think about tomorrow. If its okay today, it must be okay tomorrow. If you make a habit of never saying no, until you’ve thought it through, you will be learn to create choices for your children and they will learn to make decisions.

I put this advice to work and the results were amazing. As long as I did not say no, my children knew they had a chance to get what they wanted. If, however, I said no, there would be no second chance. As a result, my children did everything they could to avoid my saying no. It made them think — really think — about what they wanted, and long before they came to me, they’d whittled their crazy ideas down to something doable.

By the time they were in third grade, they’d learned to come to me with a plan. Mom, if I clean up can I play xyz? Sure, honey sounds good to me. Mom, if I am home by dinner, can I play at x’s house? Sure honey, sounds good to me. One of my favorites came with a bad report card. Mom, I talked to my teacher and we made a plan to get my D up to a B by the next report card. Her father burst out laughing, but I kept my cool. Sounds good to me, anything I can do to help?

My mother rarely said no to me. But when she did, I knew she meant it. I was in third grade when I repeated a word at home, that kids were using at school. It was the “n” word. That was the one and only time my mother ever slapped me. She just reached out her hand and slapped me right across the face — then put her hands on my shoulders and told me to look at her. 57 years later, I can still hear my mother saying “No! You are not allowed to use that word ever again, do you understand me?” and you know what? I never did. As I said, when my mother said no, she meant it.

I mention this episode because the first time I heard the words “Black Lives Matter” I thought, of course they do. In that regard, my mother had slapped that part of my implicit bias right out of my head. That is the kind of power your NO must have on your children too.

Let your children know that “your” no means something too. To do that, you will need to know what really matters to you. If you do it well, you will be surprised at how little really matters to you. In time, you will discover your children know exactly what matters to them as well.