In our culture, parenting begins on birth day, and ends exactly 18 years later. In our family, there are no second chances, no exceptions, no do-overs, no going back. 18 years and parenting and childhood are over. The break is clean, irreversible. One of my cousins was mentally retarded, and just like the rest of us, he made plans for his future and left home at 18 :). As parents, knowing there is an end in sight, keeps us strong. As children, knowing the date our childhood will end, compels us to make plans for a future without our parents.
My sister’s intellectual capacities could not overcome her mental health problems. Knowing her brilliant child would never realize her gift, broke Mama’s heart. Nonetheless, when my sister turned 18, she was on her own. Regardless of my sister’s problems, releasing her to adulthood eased my mother’s life and forced my sister to assume responsibility she had refused as a child. My crazy sister built a life for herself, that no one else could have built for her.
Alexainie, let your children go on their 18th birthdays. To do that, you must rethink your role as a parent. When you are no longer responsible for your children, when you no longer have the legal right, and responsibility, to make decisions for them, who do you want to be to your children?
Knowing my mother’s life did not revolve around her children, was a gift beyond compare. My mother became my sounding board, my confidante, the one person I trusted completely, the person I couldn’t wait to call when something good or bad happened, the person I always wanted to talk things over with.
When my mother retired, she moved near me and we lived a block away from each other for the next 20 years. Mama’s been gone 10 years and I miss her every day. In January, I retired and moved to Kentucky, where I now live a block away from one of my own children. My daughter and her husband are restoring an old home, and I spent this week filling and sanding wood for new kitchen cabinets. There I am, out in their back yard, surrounded by squirrels, red robins, spring flowers and sawdust, and thinking G-d, I did something right. I let go.
