First of all, I believe you.
I also wonder, did you hear these messages growing up? Family is the most important thing in life. No one will ever love you like your family. A parent’s love is unconditional. Your parents take care of you and know what is best for you. Your family knows you better than you know yourself. Family is forever.
This IDEA of family is preached, taught and repeated so often, children believe it is true. Moreover, this idea is ingrained in us so strongly, most adults consider it a universal truth (an innate, biological part of being human).
Unfortunately, if and when, a family does not behave like family, children believe there is something wrong with them. These unfortunate children can spend their entire lives trying to fix themselves. Helping these children see that they are whole and healthy is difficult. Helping them see that their family is unhealthy, dysfunctional, even sick is even harder. Even if they do, it is difficult to hold onto reality, for the idea of family is so strong, it fights reality all on its own.
An estranged parent often relies on everyone believing this idea of family. Their logic is impeccable; if my child rejects me, everyone will believe it’s my child’s fault, because everyone knows a good and healthy child would never cut their family out of their lives. When estranged parents speak poorly of their child, people sympathize with the parents because they believe they are telling the truth about their own child.
I’m old enough to remember the 1950s when this idea of family was so entrenched, no one could escape it. Back then, society was so brutal, families stayed together just to eat and keep a roof over their heads, marriages turned cruel, often violent and then turned it on their children.
Times have changed, but the idea of family is still strong. Only by sharing our stories, can we offer hope, permission and direction to others, who are often, in more difficult, even dangerous circumstances. So too, our stories help calm society’s fears, grow tolerance and understanding and maybe, in time compassion. We must learn to ask ourselves what happened to make someone leave their family?
Family is just an idea, a myth, a fantasy, a dream; it is not automatic, always, universal or natural. If we truly want a family, we must remember it is an aspiration that we must invest ourselves in building, nurturing and growing. I believe that is also true, of our society.
Take care of yourself.
